|
burgundymerlot
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Gender: Male
Interests: video games, RPG's, Hayao Miyazaki, Wong Kar Wai, Futurama, Jimmy Eat World, Rent, Lifehouse, depression, Jesus, eating meat, CG, puppies, Powerpuff Girls, arrogance, humility, Smash Bros., art, drama, whateverz...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/29/2003
|
|
| so if i ever decided to kill myself...
i think i'd do it in my car. cuz i dun think i'd want something too painful... and then guns would be really messy cuz then things would get everywhere... not very nice for the person who has to clean it up. there's also that weird sleeping pill/applesauce/plastic bag a la crazy alien cult combo... but that's just creepy...
nah, i think the best way would be carbon monoxide poisoning. take ur car somewhere deserted and stuff up the pipes... i think that should be enough.
thing is, do people who kill themselves become ghosts? u'd think that killing one's self would relieve all the pain and suffering of life but it seems like in the end that u just take it into the afterlife... geez, how pointless.
just a thought.
| | |
| wow so it's been one year since i've came back from china.
one year living with my parents, basically unemployed, unmotivated, unsuccessful, and flat out broke beyond all belief.
in this last year i've reached the lowest that i can possibly go (b/c i know chances are, i'm not going to become a street kid or homeless or fall into a spiraling addiction of drugs and alcohol) and for the first time in my life, wracked up a $1000 credit card debt with no possible idea of how to pay that off (haha, yeah, i know to some of u, $1000 of credit card debt is nothing, but considering i've made it a point to never have debt before in my life)... and on top of that, i passed the big 25 and became 26 (it matters, trust me).
by society's standards, a mid 20's guy living at home with his parents, unemployed, and wasting a good majority of his life playing video games is well, basically a failure.
i prefer to call this past year a sabbatical from life. ;P
who knew you could learn so much by not doing sometimes.
in this past year, i've learned just how truly important it is to always be giving to your friends, to your family, and to yourself. i learned to stop seeing what i don't have in life, but to truly start seeing and being grateful for what i do have in my life... i've gained so much wisdom from reading the words of those who were in exactly my same position. i've had the time and the sleep to face some of the demons in my closet. i've inspired and been inspired by friends and discovered a new spirituality and relationship with God that's taken me far away from what was comfortable only to discover that what i wanted was where i was all along.
most of all, i think i've discovered my true passion in life (and no, it's not something cliche like acting, if that's what you're thinking)... and at age 26, i'd say i'm ahead of schedule. ;P
would i have learned all this if i was working a 40 hr job on the weekdays and then spending my free time partying on the weekends? maybe. but i know that the way things turned out was by God's best.
i still look at some of my 19 yr. old friends and envy their lives and
what they have at their age. i sometimes wish my parents were a little
bit more savvy about things so that they could have passed on more
wisdom of how to just live life to me. i look at some of my friends
who are already very successful and wish that circumstances in my life
was more like theirs so that i wouldn't have been so far behind in my
own.
but i've also learned that those things don't matter at all in the end. i don't admire people who make six digit figures or who have travelled the entire world by the strength of their own will... but i know i admire those who give and give freely, not b/c they feel they should or they expect something in return, but genuinely from their own heart.
| | |
|
i guess to the two people who read my uber depressing mid 20's crisis blog last week.
i just need to realize that my life is good.
i remember way back when during my very last (and i do mean VERY LAST) christian retreat on catalina island, the one where i seriously considered jumping off the pier and swimming way off into the ocean, the object of my misery, mr. sexy gorgeous, and his friends kayaked several miles to the nearby city for god knows what reason.
i still had inferiority issues and thought that mr. sexy gorgeous and co. was so fucking amazing because he was sexy and gorgeous and accomplished and i felt so bad about myself for basically not being able to do that with my friends.
haha.
instead, i decided to just enjoy the island by itself and prove that i didn't need to accomplish amazing things to appreciate life. so i really started noticing that there were some pretty gosh darn beautiful cherry blossoms on the island... i even woke up earlier than everyone else one morning to just go to the seaside and listen to the waves crashing, and i imagined in my head what it would be like to be deaf and suddenly able to hear the sounds of the waves by closing my ears for a few minutes and then uncovering them and... wow, it was a surprisingly sensuous amazing experience.
recently, i kinda wrote off my experience four years ago as just self-righteous emo, but i realize now that i was actually headed in the right direction.
yeah. my life isn't where i want it to be and there's so much more i want from life.
but i really appreciate the time i spend with my family. yeah, my parents annoy me sometimes, but at least they're there, and i know that one day, when they aren't anymore, i'm going to miss them more than any hookup or weekend spent partying or x amount of money i all could have achieved in this year.
and yeah, so i don't have a steady job and not much money and people probably all think i'm lazy, i'm a slacker, or i'm doing nothing with my life... but, just being able to sleep, to wake up in the morning and have all the time to pray and meditate and read and dream has been a great luxury, changed my perspective on more than a few things, and hopefully will set the foundations for a healthier mindset for the rest of my life.
i know God said that he would never put us through anything that he couldn't get some good from.
i believe that.
| | |
| u know...
i don't have a stable job.
i don't have more close friends than fingers on one hand.
i'm not rich.
i'm not the type of guy who has a confidence that give him everything (haha, yet...).
but you know....
i feel like i've done pretty well for myself.
from being an chubby, otaku nerd
with no fashion sense
from being completely mentally fucked over by fundamentalist christianity
from having 0 good friends with whom i could talk about everything with
from really having a complete inability to socialize
"you may not be where you should be, but at least you're not where you used to be."
| | |
| i have this weird disease i think...
sometimes i'll just suddenly for no apparent reason just become incredibly uncomfortable around a friend or a group of people. of course they feel the weird vibe too and i really have no idea why i end up feeling this way sometimes.
it's weird cuz in my head i'll be like, 'i like this person' or 'i like these group of people' but for some weird reason, i just can't act normal around them or be relaxed around them. i can't look them in the eye or listen to them normally and there becomes this weird vibe between us. i'll always be distinctly aware of their presence and where they are in relation to me and sometimes i'll try to compensate by being over friendly, over nice, or haha, overly close physically in order to try to make things better.
i'm working on it b/c i know i do miss out on a lot of friendships because of it... and it's just so fucking awkward sometimes... but i think at this point in my life, i've just learned to accept it as it is and move on... i guess, if that's another lost potential friendship than ohwell, so be it...
honestly... i think it comes from a lifetime of your "friends" around you literally telling you that you're weird or of an inferior type... and of course they don't know that the people who they put down is who you are and so there is more of a hint of authenticity in what they feel versus if they knew and they masked their words.
so i'm really grateful for the few friends i have that i feel close and comfortable with.
| | |
|
